Scene: A zombie apocalypse. A group of survivors is gathered in a wooded area. The leader is inspecting the new recruits.

“What can you do?”

“I can hotwire cars.”

“Welcome aboard. How ’bout you?”

“I can skin game.”

“Nice. What about you, chubs?”

“Suck dick. All. Day.”

Look, there are two major problems with the Walking Dead. One, the characters suck. No one cares about anyone except Daryl (the Daryl fangirls are a bigger threat to national security than Trump ever could be) and that’s on the writers. It’s too late. You can’t go back and try to make anyone care about any of these chumps. No one will. It’s been 6 seasons of watching Sam and Frodo wander Mordor without talking, there’s no fixing it.

Second, it’s not realistic. I’ll accept a zombie apocalypse. What I won’t accept is all these goofuses surviving for however many years and somehow thriving and improving. Lawyers and 12 year olds don’t become the Road Warrior in the zombie apocalypse. And no matter how cool or tough Rick Grimes is, he’s just one dude.

We all know that the average internet dwelling modern human wouldn’t last 15 minutes in a zombie apocalypse. Or they would, but it wouldn’t be by getting tough and banding together with a bunch of other white collar weekend warriors. No, it’d be the same way they survive in prison: sucking dick and eating ass.

So, here’s my “let’s eat our children” recommendation for fixing the Walking Dead. Kill them all. Kill all the main characters. Apparently, Negan got off to a good start with the premiere tonight, but that’s not good enough. Kill everyone, except Grimes. No one cares, everyone just tunes in to see zombies get killed in new and different ways. Then, have Grimes survive by offering to eat Negan’s backside. And that’s it. That’s the rest of the season. Just episode after episode of Rick Grimes eating ass and sucking dick. Or you know what? Daryl. Daryl can do all the nasty survival sex. AND DON’T MAKE A FACE, because you know someone has a 9,000 page fanfic on Tumblr of this exact scenario.

Here are some potential taglines:

“When hell is full, the dead will walk the earth … and get their salad tossed.”

“The ass eating dead … the living get off.”

Really, it just writes itself.